since july, i’ve been experiencing again some emotional highs and lows. but thanks to my self-awareness level 99 for i know that this is due (again) to this equation:
pms + a bit of bipolar/manic depression/clinical depression
yeah and that turns out as one of the best thing ever, right? w/ that, you get nothing but daily effin’ battles on most of the aspects in your freaking life — mental, emotional, physical, social, spiritual, etc. most days and nights of july, i’ve been so grouchy and b*tchy and lazy that i’ve incurred 3 absences from work w/c were all non-paid so as not to have some people think that i’m “abusing” the benefits of being regularized. on a lighter note, i learned the lesson of laziness the hard way. how? it’s when i received my paycheck for the month of july. dang it. those 3 absences -_-
now, you may ask me bloggie, aside from the pms thingy, what triggered my bipolar or depression sh*tness? well, it’s OVERTHINKING. what do i overthink? SO MANY to mention. but the main one as of now is my
current job. you see bloggie, i know i have a lot to be thankful for. i have a job. our team lead trusts me on handling VIP accounts and special tasks. i can send my sister to college. i can share some household expenses w/ my family and so many, many, many more. God provides ALL my/our needs but why do i overthink? you know how ambitious i am bloggie. i badly want to learn more, hone and acquire skills that can gradually lead me to my dream job — an IT business analyst or project manager. i want to be mentally stimulated, be challenged and have my skills be utilized fully. so yes, in short, my current job does/gives none of what i expect.
you see bloggie, i always talk to Him not only before i go to sleep but most of the day. i talk to Him sincerely (like a buddy that i’m afraid to lose and i know i am nothing w/out) not to ask for anything but to thank Him for everything — small, big, good and even not-so-good stuffs. but this time, i’m asking for
one particular thing and that is for me to get this certain job opportunity from a reputable company. this job is an entry level IT project management post — something that aligns w/ my career goal. plus, apart from a nice pay, this company is known to give trainings and certifications to its employees. i’ve spotted this job listing during the first week of june and been painstakingly waiting for a call till now. and yes, till now, still no call and that adds up more to my frustration.
few weeks before and even after graduation, my applications were almost successful. phone calls and job invitations here and there. i made sure i crafted a stellar resume that could make opportunities knock on my door. but now, why does it seem that my profile seems to be snubbed on where my applications on that org are? is it because the post said that it is open for fresh grads and i’m not considered a fresh grad anymore? is it really strictly for fresh grads? is that so God? literally i’m not a fresh grad but figuratively, i consider myself still such coz of my career situation now. i’m badly yearning to learn more and more and more.
i always keep on saying to myself that i’ll wait patiently. but unfortunately, i keep on failing this test of patience. as days go by, my frustration gets bigger and bigger. i want to be optimistic and idealistic but i know i also have to realistic for i’ve learned a lesson before on optimism and idealism the hard way. i can’t keep thinking what if i won’t get this? what if this is not meant for me? i badly want it but what if it’s not what He planned for me? if not, then what is His plan? is it His plan for me to be miserable? i badly want to get out of my current job. i don’t want to feel stuck anymore. i don’t want to feel dumb because of this work anymore. is this what He thinks I deserve? the average? the worst? i thought He only wants the best for us? God knows what i’m feeling and what i’m wanting right now but why is He answering my prayer w/ deafening silence? why?
i make certain that i always get to do my part for i know to a great extent that waiting for something w/out doing anything is plain stupid. i sneaked out to manila to try my luck of walking in to that company. also, almost everyday, i constantly, yes, constantly, check the internet for that company’s job listings that are aligned to my career goals and then apply to those posts. from it’s linkedin account, jobstreet page, and its own career website, i make sure i will miss nothing, as in nothing. another is that i also check some forums where i can get referrals. result? still no call or feedback. even the email addresses i got from the forums, no response. i know that the recruitment process of that company takes an awfully long time like from 1 to 6 months and even up to one year but man, seeing some posts on some forums telling that they were called and stuffs makes me even more frustrated and desperate. is this not for me? what is His plan for me then? vain attempts, eh? i know He knows how stubborn, persistent, determined i am but why is He not answering me? why?
God knows i’m a planner. i never go w/out any effin’ plans. i told myself before that i have to stay on my current job for one year and a few months so as not to look like a freakin’ job hopper (even if i have the most ample and most valid reason for not staying longer and even if i know how to defend myself or expound on an interview). originally, i planned to actively and aggressively look for other jobs comes mid september. but since my frustrations are growing uglier (plus i can’t stand my current ground anymore), i decided to start seeking last wednesday. another thing that made me job hunt earlier is this: a bit of jealousy. one of my team mates will be transferred to another dept where he can utilize his skills even more. then it seems that the company is now hiring for a post on the dept where they promised to transfer me. good thing i didn’t expect too much on getting this for it will be a great disappointment on my side. maybe they don’t have enough time to train a freshie like me and they have to hire someone w/ experience so he/she can work right away. also, one of my close friends who has the same career situation as mine has now gotten a new job that seems to be promising and fulfilling. her turnover was so smooth that you can say it’s God’s timing — really right and perfect. oh, Lord. why? i wonder if He’s angry at me. i know i have so many sins and shortcomings. but can’t He hear me? why does He seem to be so silent? why?
my dreams. God’s will. why Lord? aren’t they aligned? my dreams and Your will? my expectations and Your plans? or am i just too freakin’ impatient? till when do i have to wait? do You think i can’t handle my dreams right now? i’m close (again) to having an emotional breakdown and You know how much i try to avoid that. so when will You end my frustration? my misery? i’m really getting confused…
should i give this up? they say, “never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.” is it wrong to be this ambitious and determined? You know that if i give this up, it’ll not be easy and You know that i’ll be having a hard time sleeping w/out my dreams.
i knew i’m sinning while having this want that i keep on asking Him. so one time, when i was in front of the computer, i saw something on the internet when i typed “how to ask God for forgiveness” (or something like that). it said something like:
sincerely, repent and say sorry for longing/desiring more for something
other than Him. why desire for something else when He is our everything? the One who could provide everything?
yes, i did desire for something more other than Him. i was badly obsessed on having this certain thing. this misery, this frustration, this hopelessness, this down moments — all of these negative, ugly stuffs are all generated by… yes, i have to admit… all generated by me… i keep saying “Lord you’re my chauffeur” w/ a demure smiley but what do i do? i keep on taking the wheel from Him.
right timing, perfect timing — that’s God’s timing, not my own timetable. i know, i can sense it somehow, that this is not yet the right time. idk but i can feel it. so what now? should i continue being grouchy and b*tchy and impatient? should i keep on overthinking? heck, of course, NO. impatience and overthinking kills. that’s a fact. overthinking causes worrying. worrying implies lack of faith to Him. i wanna shoot myself everytime i realize these ugly things i did and i do. me not fully trusting Him? me desiring more other than Him? me thinking very ugly thoughts? me getting so freakin’ impatient? me frustrating my very own self and making myself miserable? yeah, mind over matter, remember.
now, what i’m praying for is to have Him change me, renew me. i know this also requires some working on my part. i have to change myself so that i can handle the “big” things He has in store for me for i know that He won’t give us something we can’t handle
God’s silence — hmmm… -_- i know, it’s a bit, you know, frustrating but let’s glue it on our mind that this is when He does the most work even if it’s painful, even if it hurts, He has purpose. oh, God’s wonders and mysteries besides, the fruit of patience is always sweet, they say. and patience? it’s not the act of waiting. it’s how you act while you’re waiting. yes, i’m in waiting. but how do i act while waiting? frustrations, misery, confusion, sadness. so if patience is a test, for sure, my score is an epic fail. and this is the reason why i’m praying and why i’m working out to change myself, renew myself.
now, God’s will or give up my dreams? give up? of course, NO. give up is an ugly statement. the right thing to do is to
let go. i did my part so i have to let go and let GOD do the work — for our dreams, our plans, our expectations are nothing compared to His just have faith and i know, soon, my wait will be over and He will bless me beyond measure i’ll continue to praise Him and face every single day w/ patience, faith, and enthusiasm