how can i ever forget those times when i was confiding to God that i want to learn more and that i need to find a challenging work? parang kelan lang yung mga pagkakataong yun…
God gives us what He thinks are the best for us, in His own time and in His own way. and it’s funny how my plate seems to be “overflowing” now. dati i’m telling Him that i badly want to learn more and have a challenging job at heto ako ngayon, nasa isang firm na sobrang dami ng opportunities para mag grow in several aspects at talaga namang challenging ang role ko dito lalo na sa first project kung saan ako in-assign.
test of patience? check yan. nadaanan ko na at natuto na ko dyan. but now that God has served me the plate i’m asking for, ang test naman ngayon ay ang kung paano ang attitude ko now that i have what i asked for.
gratitude – how can i ever forget that? well, i should only be marking that within me because ALL my needs are taken care of the Divine Providence. in fact, sa lahat ng mga pino-provide nya, may mga extra stuffs na naka-package pa. san ka pa di ba? these extra stuffs, i believe, are designed to make us much better. how? hindi magic na instant ang ganapan. it will take time para maappreciate ng bongga ang mga extra stuffs na yun – and that’s one thing for sure :)
i’m grateful na isa sa mga naka-package sa binigay Niya is that maganda ang culture ng napasukan kong firm. nice, young, and fun ang culture dun. happy place talaga, no doubt. for an introverted fish na itatapon sa pool na comprised halos ng mga extroverts (the smart, assertive, and proactive type), syempre, adjustment yun at konting culture shock (haha!). but luckily, ok naman :) mababait mga tao dun. slightly pagong-like ang pag adjust ko dun pero now that pang-7th month ko na, oks na :) so bloggie, u might be wondering kung anong gusto kong idada sa ‘yo ngayon. haha. ok dear, in the next paragraph, mag umpisa na ko ;)
i did mention na smart, assertive at proactive mga tao dun di ba? that’s certainly NOT a problem. ang problem is sa akin bloggie. nung high school, i was REALLY competitive. basa dito, basa doon. patalinuhan dito, patalinuhan doon. pero public school lang yun, dagdag mo pa na medyo passive mga estudyante dun at konti lang mga “pa-bibo“. when i say passive, konti lang mga nagre-recite at assertive. dahil kaya public school lang? pwede. pero meron din kasi dito sa angeles city na public schools pero active mga estudyante – be it honor or non-honor studes. oh sige, balik tayo to me being competitive nung high school. pa-bibo ako noon. ramdam ko mga adrenaline rush at mental challenges (quiz bees, writing contests, speaking contests, spelling bees, etc) at gustong gusto ko mga yun. kahit lagi akong naeexhaust at kahit na nangangayayat ako ng bongga sa stress, oks lang. trip ko eh. gusto ko lagi nagbabasa nun to enrich my vocab. and kahit introverted at nagto-throw up ako during the first few public speaking encounters ko out of nervousness, oks lang. mas fulfilling nga yun kasi unti unti naoovercome ko ang introversion, nervousness sa harap ng maraming tao, public speaking, etc. di lang yun, i also learned to love the stage, the spotlight, the mic. win or lose, oks lang. experience kasi ang mabigat dun :) gusto ko din na to look smart and knowledgeable (syempre with humility pa din). i don’t want to look like a fool. dahil dun, basa ako ng basa. para din pag nagsusulat ako ng essay, feature, speech, o kung ano pa man at pag nagsasalita ako, may mase-share ako at pwedeng mai-mark sa audience.
PASSION at ENTHUSIASM – yan ang meron ako nung high school. on what specific field? di ko alam. academic excellence? pwede. public speaking? writing? ewan. basta ang alam ko i was exhausted and stressed almost everyday pero i kept on going and going and going . i want to excel. san ko nahugot passion na yun? maybe dahil sa bata pa kaya ako noon kaya may enthusiasm pa? pwede. well, basta. yun yun. passion, enthusiasm.
now sa college. medyo nag lie low ako noon. di ko alam kung bakit. dahil kaya sa di ko naman talaga plano i-take ang IT (info. tech.)? pwede. gusto ko kasi maging CPA (certified public accountant) noon like most of my paternal aunties and uncles. stat’s din naman ang strength ko kaya kahit sabihin na puro math yun, oks lang. enthusiastic naman ako sa stat’s branch.
IT pina-take sa kin kasi yun bunsong kapatid ng papa namin, sya may pinakamataas na salary rate sa mga magkakapatid. dinaig pa sahod ng mga ate at kuya nya. IT kase eh. developer. kaya ayun, rinecommend IT. pero everything happens for a reason. i believe, kay God, hindi aksidente na dito sa IT field ako napadpad :)
sa college, halos galing private schools mga classmate ko. feel ko mga pa-bibo mga ‘to, mga assertive at proactive. the first few weeks, dala ko enthusiasm ko nung high school. ang kaso, pansin ko, mali yata ako ng akala. ang passive din halos ng mga kasama ko sa klase -_- kaya ayun, medyo nahawa ako. nag lie low ako. at dahil challenging ang IT at di ko forte ‘to, medyo need ko pa mag triple ng effort. bumaba yung frequency ng trip kong pagbabasa dati to enrich my vocab. halos mga IT books na need ko basahin at pag nagbabasa ako ng mga yun, napupundi neurons ko dahil di masyadong nagme-make sense sa kin ang mga nakasulat. pero tuloy pa rin kahit ganun. dun ko naisip, shet, nabobobo na ba ko? hanggang dito lang ba kaya ng utak ko?
lumamya yung tinatawag kong passion at enthusiasm ko. ewan ba. stress at exhaustion? ewan. pwede. dahil di aligned skills at passion ko sa tinake kong course? pwede rin.
nag graduate ako. yun first two companies ko, sa angeles din, wala masyadong opportunity for learning and technical growth. passive din ng konti. work kung work. then heto, sa current company ko, manila this time, baligtad. three words – smart, assertive, proactive mga tao. naiisip ko, ba’t ganon? dahil kaya iba ang environment at pag-uugali sa iba’t ibang lugar sa pinas? pwede. sadyang halos passive lang kaya mga angelenos? kapampangan? kumpara sa mga nasa manila? pwede. halos graduate sa private schools mga andun sa current company ko. dahil kaya dun? pwede. nakaka-culture shock. high school pa nung last ko na-feel yung burning passion at enthusiasm na yun. feel ko tuloy ang bobo bobo ko. gusto ko makipag sabayan. kapag may meeting o brainstorming, umuulan ng ideas at maraming inputs. halos inglisan/taglish-an din dun. ako medyo nganga. kakaunti lang nabibigay kong inputs. nakaka culture shock at nakakaintimidate talaga. di ko expect na mapupunta ako dito sa ganitong klase ng environment full of smart, assertive and proactive peeps.
the people in my current company are smart and empowered. i want to be and feel smart and empowered AGAIN. dito nga lagi pumapasok ang song lyrics na ‘to
“where is the passion when you need it the most?”
kainis -_- anong nangyari maine? nabobobo na ba ko? feel ko din tuloy candidate ako sa alzheimer’s at other mental deterioration types. feel ko pundido na mga neurons ko. idagdag mo pa yung di ko matukoy na something sa kin. nahihirapan kasi ako huminga at times. nagpa check up ako last year. di rin sure yung doctor if asthma pero rinesetahan ako ng pang-asthma. di kasi ako makahinga ng buo. not really sure if this is really asthma o baka cholesterol to. o kaya naman baka acidity o gastric something, o kaya naman baka tulad nung guy sa jamich na may lung cancer pala. haaaay. eh di ba, need ng brain ng oxygen para sa brain cells? kung di buo paghinga ko, di siguro nagfo-flow ng maayos oxygen papuntang utak ko. haaay grabe. nabobobo na ko. neurons ko pundido na at napupundi pa mga iba. gusto ko tuloy magbalik grade 1 to cover the things i’ve missed or forgotten. shit… *sigh*
God surely provides all our needs :) di man lagi natin nakukuha mga wants natin, ang importante, napupunan mga necessities natin in life. beside, sabi nga, man keeps wanting and wanting. he gets restless because of that. imagine kung wants lagi ang nakukuha naten, tapos may gugustuhin na naman tayo, parang cycle, paulit ulit. di nga malayong we’ll get tired and restless unless maappreciate naten na minimalism lang need natin sa buhay – yun mga totoong need lang ang importanteng makuha and that, mga simple stuffs lang they can keep us going :)
i need a challenging job :) God knows that :) He gave me one. di man ito exactly yung nasa mind ko, but this is the one He gave. and i know He has reasons. may konting disheartenment nung una dahil di nga ito yung tinatarget kong job role pero i can sense He knows na eto yung mas magpapa grow sa kin at eto yung talagang need ko, hindi yung iniisip ko :) galing Niya di ba? haha :)
yun sa first project ko ngayon, very technical. eh di naman ako technical na tao. pero everything happens for a reason :) imagine, kung di ako linagay ni Lord sa project na ‘to, di ko mafe-face frustration ko sa programming :)
isa pa, yun sa tower/team ko ngayon, sabi ko nga smart, assertive, at proactive mga tao dito. challeging job? check. si Lord talaga. hahaha! pati environment challenging! ayoko namang mapang iwanan kaya i have to do something to make myself much better at maging empowered (ulit) like the people in my tower/team. healthy competition :) haaaay. si Lord talaga, once in action… haha! :)
ang tagal ko ng balak i-blog this down bloggie. ang tagal ko din kinimkim to. lagi lang nasa drafts at calendar ng phone ko at ngayon, thank God, nailabas ko din. ang sarap sa pakiramdam. dati my sanity was hanging by a thread, ngayon, medyo okey okey na. haha!
oh sya, God bless everyone! till then! :D
nung high school ko din na-realize pala na i’m not into arts, dance, creative areas, at math. sa dancing, yun mga “kalaban” ko sa honor roll, bumabawi sa dance contests pati sa mga art projects. nahihiya kasi akong gumalaw. hahaha! di rin ako creative. minsan lang uma-out-of-the-box ang traditional at conservative na nilalang na tulad ko. hahaha! sa math naman, stat’s lang gusto ko sa lahat ng branches nito. sa stat’s ko din nakuha pinakamataas na math grade ko in my entire life – 89. hahaha! ang baba pero oks lang :) at least i know my strengths and weaknesses ;)
“here i am, playing with those memories once again”
not sure if that’s an air supply song but that’s what’s currently playing on my vlc right now bloggie. it’s true that when an over thinker is bored (plus hormonal), the amount of thoughts that keep on gushing on his/her mind palace is much more, well, much more immeasurable (but don’t get me wrong bloggie, i’m not watching sherlock or any other series. naririnig rinig ko lang yon. lol). however i do know that holy week is the time for more reflection and yes, i’m here again to bug you with the things that bug me so kindly bear with me (again) :P
i badly miss the times when i get to participate in various extracurricular activities such as leadership seminars, conferences, public speaking, presenting, journalistic writing (feature writing specifically), to name a few. through those stuffs, i was able to get so much more compared with what’s inside the four corners of the classroom. my self-esteem and confidence indubitably improved. what’s more, win or lose, the challenges, mental stimulation, adrenaline rush, and self-empowerment those activities gave made were priceless. the only problem i get now from those stuffs is that hinahanap hanap sila ng katawan ko -_- *sigh* do i just simply miss schooling? i don’t think so. does this mean that i should be into the academe? maybe. is teaching my calling? my profession? oh crap. so many things keep popping on my mind di lang ngayon but actually, almost every day…
lately ang tamad ko. sometimes, i can’t help but to blame my sign na lang. they say taureans are lazy but they set aside this slothfulness once they have their goals in mind. but thanks to this self-awareness thingy, alam ko ngang tamad ako at alam ko rin na walang nakakapansin ng katamaran na ‘to pagdating sa mga tasks, plans, and goals na sinet at inumpisahan ko sa sarili ko.
they say, when you’re feeling lazy and stuck, ask yourself this daw, “what motivates you?” well, ano nga ba? ano nga ba gusto kong makuha o maachieve? what can be that impetus that will add spice to my existence? that thing (or things) that will make me jump out of the bed as i wake up? what am i enthusiastic about? what really are my goals? what are my passion?
it will be two years since i graduated from college. feeling ko ang konti pa lang ng alam ko at naexperience sa IT industry. it will surely take time bago ako maging knowledgeable sa field na ‘to. naiinis ako… gusto ko talagang maexperience lahat – simula ng SDLC, yun iba pang methodologies, etc. *sigh* i know ang daming resources online para matuto pero mas gusto ko talaga pag actual -_- every freaking time i try to access something online regarding software testing, project management, and business analysis, be it videos, e-books, etc., tinatamad lang ako -_- extra effort pa yung pag push ko sa sarili ko para i-take sila. dito ako napapaisip tuloy na kung pagiging IT business analyst nga ang dream o goal ko, bakit parang di ako motivated o enthusiastic? dahil lang ba kaya tamad talaga ako? o dahil hindi talaga ito ang passion ko?
mas excited pa kong i-take o mag-learn ng copyediting stuffs, history, literature – yung mga ganon. mas gusto ko din yung about finance and accounting – which is actually my original dream, maging CPA.
alam ko naman niche ko. one is technical writing. pero maliban sa tech writing, involved din sa pagiging business analyst yung requirements gathering, client interviewing, diagramming, etc. i know madami pa kong kakaining bigas para maging master BA. alam ko din na dapat nagsisimula na ko. nagsimula naman na ako pero hindi ganon ka-extensive ang effort ko. now, does it boil down to me being just simply lazy? or it’s just that, naooverwhelm lang ako sa dami ng dapat pang tahakin, malaman, matutunan kaya ako tinatamad? i know, thanks again to self-awareness stuff, na madali akong ma-bogged down sa dami ng mga dapat pang gawin o i-take, pero yun nga ba ang reason? o baka di talaga ito yung aking so-called passion?
with these, nagse-second thought na tuloy ako. na kung pagiging BA talaga, do i have what it takes to be a master on it? another, i also want to experience other roles such as those involved in IT/IS auditing , software QA, processes and/or metrics, six sigma, CMMI, ISO, etc. gusto ko rin yung client-facing sana, involved almost halos sa buong SDLC, w/ travel involved kahit 25% of the time lang. *sigh* ang dami kong gusto – gawin, maexperience, etc.
minsan naiisip ko excited lang ako masyado na makarating sa point na may say na ko sa field na ‘to – dun sa big picture ba. pero, still, even if i have the big picture, errrrr -_- ba’t ganon? my sanity’s hanging by a thread na on trying to solve this freaking dilemma *sigh*
well, then, what can light my inner fire?
the lists of the things i want to achieve in life are in my dropbox. somehow, sila yung mga driving force ko :) isa sa mga nakasulat dun is yung makapag work sa united nations. maliban sa feel ko na may travel stuffs na kasama yung mga positions dun, one of my main reason kaya dream ko makapag work dun is yung ma-grab yung chance na makapag work sa mga may CSR causes. naeexcite ako pag naiisip ko yun every freaking time. me working with childfund, world wide fund, and other causes – that gets me really thrilled and paints a smile of my freaking face :D oh… *sigh*
you might ask bloggie kung bakit di ko try mag go out para di ako nabo-bore at nababaliw-baliw dito. well, need ko mag dahan-dahan sa paggasta dahil alam mo naman mga personal tasks ko. ayoko din naman gumala kung wala akong kasama. most of my closest chums kasi di swak ang skeds naming but i get to go out with them minsan :)
also, for now, di ko pa maaafford yung lifestyle na trip ko. well, simple lang naman yung lifestyle na yun but for now, di muna due to certain tasks na nagco-constraint :) pero two years from now, i think, keri na :D hihi. kaya naeexcite ako sa 2016 dahil dun, then year of the monkey pa yun :D really excited to what He has in store :D
another thing bloggie, tulad nga ng na-ishare ko, nami-miss ko na yung adrenaline rush na hatid nung mga sinalihan ko dati. feeling ko tuloy ngayon ang bobo ko na at nabobo at nabobobo ako. siguro kulang lang din ako sa pagbasa basa ngayon. tinatamad (again -_-) din ako magdownload ng mga ebooks -_- haaaay. sarap kong pukpukin noh? ewan ba -_- anong nangyari -_-
tapos eto pa, sa current company ko, ang daming smart peeps :) mga critical at analytical thinkers, assertive, proactive, with much more enriched vocab, mostly extroverts. naculture shock ako nung una pero ngayon, medyo nakapag blend in na. dito ako tuloy lalo naconscious sa nabobo-na-ko thing -_- gusto ko sanang makipagsabayan pero eto na naman si dakilang introverted side ko -_- but i’ll be working on that of course :) *sigh*
i was thinking of this: how about i edit and polish my blog entries and start promoting this as a motivational blog? but then again, i got lazy -_- posting them as is, without minding anything such as cohesion, capitalization, etc., and me being able to keep my sanity by blogging my thoughts, oks na :)
as for my true calling, well, i’ll turn 22 in less than a month. too young for me to doing these stuffs – that is, rushing things, over thinking, not fully savouring the now, etc. what are my passions? what am i enthusiastic about? things that will not make my existence monotonous? those are for me to know. my list is still not yet final but for now, i think, i should be enjoying the present and lessen the pressure i put on myself. will keep you posted bloggie. till then! :)
God bless everyone! :)
it will be monday in a few minutes and i just want to share how my weekend and some of my days were before i get to lose my sanity here. i’m in our apartment in taguig right now. i get to go home every two weeks and you see, it’s only one week but i get homesick most of the time. oh well, i hope i’ll soon get used to it *sigh*
anyway, you know how i usually spend my weekends, right? at home browsing the net or watching horror movies. this weekend, i did the latter. with that, i can’t elude but to think of this question: “do i have i life?” with what i’m doing and with me being this hypoactive, do i live or just exist? well bloggie, maybe i get to think of this question because of this freaking homesickness. i also conclude that with the fact that my close friends are still in angeles city and the other is in ortigas with no fixed working schedule, this question keeps popping on my freaking mind. i also want to go out but of course, with them. but how can i if that is the case? the heck. oh goodness, i hope that one of my friend who’s about to resign in her current company in march will get to find a work soon here in mckinley. i also am hoping for that on my friend who’s working in ortigas. this is for us to be in one roof soon and my homesickness will get cured with that setting. errr -_-
when was the last time i had that itch to hold books and finish reading them? yes, not just one book but many. be it mystery, suspense, thriller, general knowledge, etc. when was the last time i wrote an essay, a feature article, and stuffs? when was the last time i had that great enthusiasm to learn more and more and more and enrich my vocab? dang it. i feel so dumb now. i feel like i’ve drowned myself on work-related stuffs that i forgot some things i feel like i had to do, i want to do, i need to do. heck. i miss the younger me. i’m just 21 but this sense of urgency i have in my work aspect is a freaking one.
(aside from feeing ugly) i feel inadequate. i feel dumb. i lost that enthusiasm. dang it.
God, i want to unwind. i want to know more. i want to quench this thirst… *sigh*
i think that’s all for now bloggie. i think that kept my saneness still “intact”. thanks! God bless everyone! :)
goodness, it’s true. overthinking usually comes at night.
oh please don’t think that i’m into horoscope, astrology, and stuffs like that bloggie. i’ll do this just for fun. haha :D
when bored, i try to read some 2014 predictions for taureans and monkey (1992 i am) people. the common stuff i usually get to come across the readings is about work. they say that 2014 will let me grow more on my professional career.
“You’ll be amazed at how much you get done and how much drive you have to excel and accomplish more than you ever thought possible, Taurus.”
hmmm. what do u think bloggie? coz for me, that may be true since i am on a good company *wink* haha!
“There may be a pause and revise phase with your projects that takes place between March and May, but after that prepare for full speed ahead until July. Expect to grow a ton in the career department.”
the last phase of my current project is set on march or april. the one quoted above makes me think more of what lies ahead after those months… hmmm…
“The Monkey will juggle a busy year ahead, fueled by many opportunities in the workplace. You will find various platforms to progress professionally, and this provides you with challenging assignments or projects that pave the way to both wealth and career success. As long as you work steadily to your goals, this is a year where you’ll be able to strive ahead and prove your mantle to the world.
Work will take up most of your time this year but instead of complaining about the workload, be glad as you’ve reached a level where you’re being trusted with heavier responsibilities. You can expect more significant assignments, long-term projects this year alongside with more platforms to showcase what you’re capable of achieving. As such, it would be wise to spend some time in improving on your time management skill to help maintain a balanced workload.”
the one above is based from joey yap’s. it’s funny how i was back then when it comes to my career. before, i’m asking God for a challenging work since i felt underutilized before, now my job role on my current company is definitely a challenge. it forces me to face my frustration in programming and i’m happy now that i know na lessen na ang frustration ko dun. feel ko nga parang sinampal sa kin ni Lord ang request ko sa Kanya before. hahahaha.
“If you’ve fallen prey to the typical Taurus legacy of neglecting your own needs and taking care of everyone else’s problems, this is the year to take your power and your life force back so that you can invest in a brand-new life. No, this does not make you selfish or uncaring, this makes you true yourself and with a greater capacity to give to your loved ones because you will no longer be running on empty — which is probably how you’ve felt over the past few years.
… You’ve been letting go of so many things — from material possessions to antiquated concepts around values and security. In fact, you’ve relinquished so much that you may barely recognize your life at this point, Taurus. You’ve certainly learned to simplify your world in 2013, and now you’re getting ready to go rebuild towards greater beauty and harmony.”
the one above is from yahoo horoscope for taureans. gusto ko pang hawakan yan. hahahaha.
“In a nutshell, 2014 shall turn out to be an exhilarating year for you. There are financial goals you can achieve and good health outlook to be enjoyed. However, it should be repeated that the road to success is never an easy one. Keep to an open mind, view the bigger picture and don’t let the stress get the best of you. Always continue your climb and find your motivation to press forward and strive for the mark set before you!”
idk pero nafi-feel ko ngang pwede maging exhilarating ang year na ‘to. pero, whatever it is, ang panghahawakan ko ay ang nasa taas – the Divine Providence. looking forward to the things that He’ll unfold according to His timetable! *wink* :D
God bless everyone! :D
two months and counting…
yes bloggie, it’s been two months when i did one of the boldest moves i’ve ever done in my life — to go independent and follow what my heart wants to do. considering the price i have to pay for my personal goals, i know that was one big leap i committed. from buhay batugan to buhay independent, yes bloggie, ang hirap -_- no one to press your clothes, no one to prepare your food, no one to make utos utos, and stuffs -_- gigising ka and you are all on your own. sariling sikap. pero the adjustment, the time management, the budgeting, the new environment, place, set up, and all? ang masasabi ko lang… it’s all WORTH THE HASSLE…
paano ko nasabing worth it ang hassle at ang ginawa kong move? una, ok na sa father namin ngayon ang ginawa ko. ang sarap sa feeling na nalagpasan mo at last yun dati mo lang pinaplano at iniisip na possible reactions at consequences. basta. God knows what that is and i’m still really grateful for that (da bes talaga Siya :)) pangalawa, medyo “nagkaka-life” na ko. hahahaha! i mean, di tulad ng dati na bahay-skwela at bahay-trabaho. kahit paano eh, medyo nagkakaroon na ng variety ang freaking layp ko. haha. sabi nga “variety is the spice of life”. when i say variety, what i mean is yung sa work ko. sa company ko kasi ngayon (sa team na napuntahan ko in particular), super fun, great and smart ng mga tao. diverse pero click na click. basta. tapos ang solid pa ng team. parang pamilya talaga. kaya i’m really glad and thankful talaga na dito ako napadpad. my job role may not be exactly what i want pero, well, ang masasabi ko, totoo nga, God surely knows and gives exactly what we need! haha :D madaming opportunities sa loob ng company na alam kong magpapadpad sa kin SOON sa gusto kong landing spot! :D
you see bloggie, dalawang buwan pa lang ako dito pero ang dami ng nangyari. maraming events. medyo magastos nga lang (haha!) pero worth it!
work-related naman bloggie. yun first project ko, challenging -_- test automation ako dinala. haaaaay. may not be what i really want pero masaya pa rin naman ako dahil new learning, new tool, new experience din ‘to. naaalala ko dati, isa sa mga pinapanalangin ko na magkaroon ng challenging o mentally stimulating na work. eto, parang sinampal sa kin ngayon ang dati kong request. haha!
work-related ulit, pero about sa culture naman. di ko expect na ganito sa company na ‘to. ang daming “extra curricular” stuffs. parang high school. pero sa ibang tower or teams, ang sabi di naman daw ganito ka-active pagdating sa mga ganung bagay. but anyway, masaya talaga sa tower at team na napuntahan ko. sa tower, ang team ko ang may pinakamaraming new hires at mostly mga fresh grads. unlike sa ibang team sa tower namin, mas active ang team kung nasan ako. siguro dahil sa halos pamilyado na din daw yung mga members sa ibang team at halos young ones naman amin.
yun isa sa mga naka-list sa to-do ko na mag take part sa mga humanitarian/charity events/orgs, may chance akong magawa. volunteering, social works, and the like. yun nga lang, dahil sa project ko, medyo di ako gaanong makasali. haaay. hindi rin ako gaanong makapag volunteer na mag lead o mag actively participate o extensively help sa mga extra curricular stuffs dahil din sa project ko -__- same goes with the trainings na inooffer sa company. di ko ma grab dahil “consuming” (idk if that’s the right term) talaga ang project namin. haaay -_-
tapos eto pa pala, halos mga extrovert at outspoken ang members ng team kung saan ako. sa mga meetings, halos observe lang ako at wala gaanong maibigay na inputs. sa mga initiatives naman (the extra curricular stuffs), ganoon din -___- hindi ako masalita at nahihiyang magbigay ng inputs -____- haaaay. ang bagal ko talagang makapag open up. kaya next year, dapat isa sa mga resolution ko ang matutong magdaldal kahit konti at maging vocal (at mabawasan kahit konti ang mga inhibitions *sigh*)
yun mga new hires na kasama ko, buti pa sila afford nila makapag lead o volunteer na mag help out extensively sa mga extra curricular stuffs. unlike kami nung kasama ko sa project na new hire din, di afford -__- haaay. kinaka-worry ko tuloy baka di ganun ka-taas ang maging rating ko sa manager at team lead ko pagdating ng review review -___- feel ko wala pa ko napapatunayan. haaaaaaaaaaay -________-
naaalala ko tuloy nung high school ako. biruin mo, ako na isang introvert at hindi pa gaanong ka-creative, madalas maappoint na mag lead sa mga various orgs at activities. ewan ba -_- pero gusto ko ulit may ma-prove sa sarili ko. gusto ko mag indulge ulit sa mga extra curricular stuffs. nakaka miss. i feel empowered din kasi pag alam kong may nali-lead ako o naaaccomplish o nacocontribute.
sa ngayon, eto lang mga work-related issues ko. feel ko wala pa ko napapatunayan both sa mga extra curricular stuffs at sa project na kinalalagyan ko ngayon. feel ko di ako maka-“show off” ng kung ano man meron ako sa automation testing portfolio. haay. pero still, i’m looking forward to the days, weeks, months, years to come :) weee! :D
it all really boils down to the decisions you made and the chances you did not take. looking back, ang dami kong na-turn down na good opportunities. regrets? of course, NO. ramdam ko talaga na dito ako gustong mapadpad ni Lord. God surely knows what are the best for us and once again, glory to Him! :D
hmmm. so till then ulit bloggie! God bless everyone! :D
since july, i’ve been experiencing again some emotional highs and lows. but thanks to my self-awareness level 99 for i know that this is due (again) to this equation:
pms + a bit of bipolar/manic depression/clinical depression
yeah and that turns out as one of the best thing ever, right? w/ that, you get nothing but daily effin’ battles on most of the aspects in your freaking life — mental, emotional, physical, social, spiritual, etc. most days and nights of july, i’ve been so grouchy and b*tchy and lazy that i’ve incurred 3 absences from work w/c were all non-paid so as not to have some people think that i’m “abusing” the benefits of being regularized. on a lighter note, i learned the lesson of laziness the hard way. how? it’s when i received my paycheck for the month of july. dang it. those 3 absences -_-
now, you may ask me bloggie, aside from the pms thingy, what triggered my bipolar or depression sh*tness? well, it’s OVERTHINKING. what do i overthink? SO MANY to mention. but the main one as of now is my
current job. you see bloggie, i know i have a lot to be thankful for. i have a job. our team lead trusts me on handling VIP accounts and special tasks. i can send my sister to college. i can share some household expenses w/ my family and so many, many, many more. God provides ALL my/our needs but why do i overthink? you know how ambitious i am bloggie. i badly want to learn more, hone and acquire skills that can gradually lead me to my dream job — an IT business analyst or project manager. i want to be mentally stimulated, be challenged and have my skills be utilized fully. so yes, in short, my current job does/gives none of what i expect.
you see bloggie, i always talk to Him not only before i go to sleep but most of the day. i talk to Him sincerely (like a buddy that i’m afraid to lose and i know i am nothing w/out) not to ask for anything but to thank Him for everything — small, big, good and even not-so-good stuffs. but this time, i’m asking for
one particular thing and that is for me to get this certain job opportunity from a reputable company. this job is an entry level IT project management post — something that aligns w/ my career goal. plus, apart from a nice pay, this company is known to give trainings and certifications to its employees. i’ve spotted this job listing during the first week of june and been painstakingly waiting for a call till now. and yes, till now, still no call and that adds up more to my frustration.
few weeks before and even after graduation, my applications were almost successful. phone calls and job invitations here and there. i made sure i crafted a stellar resume that could make opportunities knock on my door. but now, why does it seem that my profile seems to be snubbed on where my applications on that org are? is it because the post said that it is open for fresh grads and i’m not considered a fresh grad anymore? is it really strictly for fresh grads? is that so God? literally i’m not a fresh grad but figuratively, i consider myself still such coz of my career situation now. i’m badly yearning to learn more and more and more.
i always keep on saying to myself that i’ll wait patiently. but unfortunately, i keep on failing this test of patience. as days go by, my frustration gets bigger and bigger. i want to be optimistic and idealistic but i know i also have to realistic for i’ve learned a lesson before on optimism and idealism the hard way. i can’t keep thinking what if i won’t get this? what if this is not meant for me? i badly want it but what if it’s not what He planned for me? if not, then what is His plan? is it His plan for me to be miserable? i badly want to get out of my current job. i don’t want to feel stuck anymore. i don’t want to feel dumb because of this work anymore. is this what He thinks I deserve? the average? the worst? i thought He only wants the best for us? God knows what i’m feeling and what i’m wanting right now but why is He answering my prayer w/ deafening silence? why?
i make certain that i always get to do my part for i know to a great extent that waiting for something w/out doing anything is plain stupid. i sneaked out to manila to try my luck of walking in to that company. also, almost everyday, i constantly, yes, constantly, check the internet for that company’s job listings that are aligned to my career goals and then apply to those posts. from it’s linkedin account, jobstreet page, and its own career website, i make sure i will miss nothing, as in nothing. another is that i also check some forums where i can get referrals. result? still no call or feedback. even the email addresses i got from the forums, no response. i know that the recruitment process of that company takes an awfully long time like from 1 to 6 months and even up to one year but man, seeing some posts on some forums telling that they were called and stuffs makes me even more frustrated and desperate. is this not for me? what is His plan for me then? vain attempts, eh? i know He knows how stubborn, persistent, determined i am but why is He not answering me? why?
God knows i’m a planner. i never go w/out any effin’ plans. i told myself before that i have to stay on my current job for one year and a few months so as not to look like a freakin’ job hopper (even if i have the most ample and most valid reason for not staying longer and even if i know how to defend myself or expound on an interview). originally, i planned to actively and aggressively look for other jobs comes mid september. but since my frustrations are growing uglier (plus i can’t stand my current ground anymore), i decided to start seeking last wednesday. another thing that made me job hunt earlier is this: a bit of jealousy. one of my team mates will be transferred to another dept where he can utilize his skills even more. then it seems that the company is now hiring for a post on the dept where they promised to transfer me. good thing i didn’t expect too much on getting this for it will be a great disappointment on my side. maybe they don’t have enough time to train a freshie like me and they have to hire someone w/ experience so he/she can work right away. also, one of my close friends who has the same career situation as mine has now gotten a new job that seems to be promising and fulfilling. her turnover was so smooth that you can say it’s God’s timing — really right and perfect. oh, Lord. why? i wonder if He’s angry at me. i know i have so many sins and shortcomings. but can’t He hear me? why does He seem to be so silent? why?
my dreams. God’s will. why Lord? aren’t they aligned? my dreams and Your will? my expectations and Your plans? or am i just too freakin’ impatient? till when do i have to wait? do You think i can’t handle my dreams right now? i’m close (again) to having an emotional breakdown and You know how much i try to avoid that. so when will You end my frustration? my misery? i’m really getting confused…
should i give this up? they say, “never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.” is it wrong to be this ambitious and determined? You know that if i give this up, it’ll not be easy and You know that i’ll be having a hard time sleeping w/out my dreams.
i knew i’m sinning while having this want that i keep on asking Him. so one time, when i was in front of the computer, i saw something on the internet when i typed “how to ask God for forgiveness” (or something like that). it said something like:
sincerely, repent and say sorry for longing/desiring more for something
other than Him. why desire for something else when He is our everything? the One who could provide everything?
yes, i did desire for something more other than Him. i was badly obsessed on having this certain thing. this misery, this frustration, this hopelessness, this down moments — all of these negative, ugly stuffs are all generated by… yes, i have to admit… all generated by me… i keep saying “Lord you’re my chauffeur” w/ a demure smiley but what do i do? i keep on taking the wheel from Him.
right timing, perfect timing — that’s God’s timing, not my own timetable. i know, i can sense it somehow, that this is not yet the right time. idk but i can feel it. so what now? should i continue being grouchy and b*tchy and impatient? should i keep on overthinking? heck, of course, NO. impatience and overthinking kills. that’s a fact. overthinking causes worrying. worrying implies lack of faith to Him. i wanna shoot myself everytime i realize these ugly things i did and i do. me not fully trusting Him? me desiring more other than Him? me thinking very ugly thoughts? me getting so freakin’ impatient? me frustrating my very own self and making myself miserable? yeah, mind over matter, remember.
now, what i’m praying for is to have Him change me, renew me. i know this also requires some working on my part. i have to change myself so that i can handle the “big” things He has in store for me for i know that He won’t give us something we can’t handle :)
God’s silence — hmmm… -_- i know, it’s a bit, you know, frustrating but let’s glue it on our mind that this is when He does the most work :D even if it’s painful, even if it hurts, He has purpose. oh, God’s wonders and mysteries :D besides, the fruit of patience is always sweet, they say. and patience? it’s not the act of waiting. it’s how you act while you’re waiting. yes, i’m in waiting. but how do i act while waiting? frustrations, misery, confusion, sadness. so if patience is a test, for sure, my score is an epic fail. and this is the reason why i’m praying and why i’m working out to change myself, renew myself.
now, God’s will or give up my dreams? give up? of course, NO. give up is an ugly statement. the right thing to do is to
let go. i did my part so i have to let go and let GOD do the work — for our dreams, our plans, our expectations are nothing compared to His :D just have faith and i know, soon, my wait will be over and He will bless me beyond measure :D i’ll continue to praise Him and face every single day w/ patience, faith, and enthusiasm :D
alam mo yung moment na pinagsisisihan mong nag selfie ka pa, tapos wala ka man lang na save na picture ni isa? puro delete, delete, delete. naalala mo pa tuloy (nang dahil sa sarili mong gawa) ang hitsura mo (na wirdo at pagka chaka chaka) -_- tuloy, in the end, na bad trip ka pa (nang dahil nga sa sarili mong gawa)… haaaaaay… grabe…
ganito kasi ang storya. i was at our office that time when this sudden headache struck me. ayun. pumunta ako ng banyo dala ang cellphone ko. pumasok sa isang cubicle. binaba ang toilet cover at saka umupo. pumikit ako ng mga ilang minuto at hiniga ang ulo ko sa kanang dingding ng cubicle. ilang minuto pagkatapos, nakaupo na ko ng diretso. nakatunganga ako sa kawalan, naghihintay na mawala ang putek na sakit ng ulo ko. then *pop*, bigla ko na lang naisip na mag selfie. kinuha ko ang cellphone ko, siniguradong naka off ang camera sounds, inopen ang camera saka nag pose (of course yun simple lang)
take note, 2mp lang ang nokia cam phone ko. walang front cam. walang filter. walang camera 360 (nokia nga kasi eh -_-) ampots. ayun tuloy, nabanas ako sa sarili ko — sa hitsura kong disappointing, sa mga picture na disappointing at sa ginawa kong disappointing. ay tae. nasabi ko tuloy sa sarili ko, “life’s really unfair at times”. haaay grabe… i’m so disappointed.
di ko tuloy alam kung ano o sino sisisihin ko -_- yun cam phone ko ba, ang sarili ko, o ang mga magulang ko (but my sister and brother are good looking) -_- hahahahahahaha. kidding aside, natatawa ako pag naaalala ko yun. hahahahahahaha XD
minsan na nga lang kasi ako mag selfie, or magpaka vain, epic fail pa. lol. hahahahahahahaha. ang dami kong tawa XD
kung babae lang talaga ako (yung 100%), siguro masasambit ko, “kelan kaya ako gaganda?” lol. hahaha. buti 25% lang akong babae, kaya masaya at thankful ako dun. hahahahaha. walang gastos sa make up make up dahil nga walang pake, walang interes sa hair treatments at ano mang kaartehan. bwahahahaha. buti na lang talaga. hahahahaha. being losyang has its very own advantages. hahahahahaha XD
si yeng constantino, may bf na. sabi nya, nag-soften daw sya dahil dun. medyo may pagkamatigas kasi si yeng before eh. ang daming nag aakala na tomboy sya. pero kita mo nga naman noh. tapos first bf pa nya yung guy. ay tae. ako kaya? kelan kaya magku krus landas namin ni david? :( sa kanya ko lang naaalalang babae pala akong linuwal ng nanay ko eh -_- haaaay. grabe menggay. ewan ba’t sa kanya lang (kay david) nakatuon puso at isip ko (yuck. ang keso ko. tae kadiri) grabe naman kase eh. nag iisa lang pamo sya -_- nyeee. basta. bahala na si Lord -_-
but don’t get me wrong bloggie, it’s not that i’m very much looking forward into a boy-girl relationship. in fact, i don’t think i’m waiting for someone. it’s just that, only david can have that “impact” on me. haha. i’m badly smitten… dang it…
feeling ko, pag nag krus na landas namen, may transformation akong pagdadaanan. feeling ko, magta try na kong magsuot ng mga girly stuffs (nyeee. nanginginig ako). baka mag try na rin akong mag lip gloss o kaya lip stick. hanggang lip balm lang kasi ako ngayon eh. at take note, after college graduation lang ako natutong mag lip balm para sa wasak-wasak at kulay dark violet kong labi (nabigla nga kapatid ko at mga kaibigan ko dahil dito eh. lumelevel na daw ako). hahahaha. nung 4th yr college naman, dun ako natutong magdala ng suklay (pero madalas ko naman di nagagamit at makalimutang gamitin). oh well… haaay… daviiiiiiid… ♥_♥
you know what bloggie, till now, nagtataka pa rin ako at may mga taong nasasabi na… well, idk how to put this into words, or the right term for this… hmmm… pero… ewan at may mga taong nasasabi na may hitsura daw ako. lol. di ko maiwasang isipin na duling sila o baka namamalik mata lang o kaya naman, wala silang taste. lol. sama ko noh? ewan. pero. basta. iba kasi nakikita ko sa salamin at camera eh. kaya nga nabwibwisit ako sa dalawang yun – camera at salamin -_- tae sila.
nabasa ko sa isang libro, pag daw kinompliment ka, just say “thank u” na lang daw. kase kung nega ka daw sa compliment na binigay sa u (like “anong maganda?” o “saang banda?”), parang sinasabi mo na rin sa kanila na wala silang taste (w/c is isa sa mga naiisip ko nga sa kanila. lol)
oh sya, sa susunod bloggie baby! till then! God bless! :D hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. K.